Best Chuck Norris Jokes

[souldrum71]

Since Chuck Norris jokes are extremely popular here at the high school that I work at, I thought I'd start a thread with some I've heard and see what you guys can add:

1. There's no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There's just another fist.
2. Chuck Norris visited the U.S. Virgin Islands. Now they're just 'the Islands.'
3. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
4. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
5. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

[SuperCrew]

1. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
2. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
3. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
4. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
5. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
6. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
7. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
8. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
9. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
10. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
11. Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

[souldrum71]

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

[Jason]

God wanted to make the world in 10 days. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

[souldrum71]

That was a good one, GoddeBPM.

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

[Jason]

Originally Posted by souldrum71

That was a good one, GoddeBPM.

Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

Cheers, When Chuck Norris jumps into water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.

[47MartialMan]

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross.

Just never his own.




When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

[Shinobi_Kokujin]

law an order are the names of Chuck Norris right an left leg

we dont live in a Demoncracy....we live in a Chuck-datorship

[Kotarou]

Lmao those are awesome xD

[JoaNor]

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

When Arnold says "I'll be back" in Terminator movie it is implied that he's going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

[souldrum71]

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

[ladyfighter]

Chuck Norris lives off the Heart and Soul of his fans ......
and the Blood and Guts of his enemies

[souldrum71]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

[Zaraki Kenpachi]

Originally Posted by souldrum71

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

That ones my fave, but I never tell it right.

When Bruce Banner gets angry he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry he turns into Chuck Norris!

[souldrum71]

Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.